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[UPDATE] Found out that my [36M] spouse [35F] had an affair during marriage counseling. Spouse is continuing the affair while going through divorce.
It has been just over 6 months from DDay and I have been through a lot, but I have learned a lot about myself since then. First and foremost, I have to thank all of you who reached out to me and offered their words of advice. To those of you who are lurking and are debating about posting your story, please know that this is a community of folks who want the best for YOU. That is what is important right now and in the future, YOU.
My STBXW and I are finalizing the divorce. I moved out shortly after my original post and the physical separation did affect things, both positively and negatively. I took up jogging every morning and have lost and kept off 40 pounds. More details even trickled out about certain details and logistics and it culminated in a letter my WS wrote to me where she detailed that she was in love with AP and that she had spent a significant sum of money directly on the affair. There were lies about travel. There were plans to have AP fly to our city (5 hour flight) and spend a weekend with WS. The letter also confirmed that the emotional affair, at a minimum, began before the decision was made to go to marriage counseling. Kudos to all of you who called it. The affair did end after she discovered her AP was a narcissist and also had a few other side-flings at the same time. She was crushed. Since then, my WS and I, had a few months where we felt like we were heading towards reconciliation. That will not happen now.
About the feelings of reconciliation mentioned above. I have learned through IC that I had suppressed my emotions for over 30 years and this has resulted in me undergoing sort of an emotional redevelopment. I fully accept that I did not contribute the emotional intimacy that my STBXW needed during marriage. I now recognize that my wife was not happy during the last many years of our marriage; I should have taken the initiative to seek personal and marriage help sooner. I am not excusing my WS's behavior, but instead recognizing that I accept that my wife was no longer in love with me. I was still in love with my wife and I feel that contributed even more to why I hurt so bad in the months since DDay. When the affair ended, seeing how crushed my WS was, I fell back into a comfortable pattern of being there for her when she was down. In the following weeks, my wife and I would slowly spend more time together and even did some travel together with the kids. It was comfortable. It was wonderful to feel that affection again. Looking back, I think I was getting an endorphine rush. However, I was not happy. I was still depressed, but I was hanging on to this new "relationship" with my wife because it felt different from my norm at the time. I still lack motivation to meet people, to travel, to develop hobbies. These are still a work in progress, but the point is that I did not feel like committing. I was scared to recommit to a relationship and, when my wife asked me about reconciliation a few weeks ago, I said no. It was the scariest moment I have ever felt. I have rarely said no to my STBXW, especially when it dealt with anything emotional. I would just agree with what my wife wanted so as to "not rock the boat"; this was not a healthy behavior. My wife was crushed that I didn't want to reconcile, but she processed quickly. I agreed to move forward with the divorce. She was open with me and said that she wants to be in a relationship with a man who will provide for her emotional needs and she has said that she is going to begin dating again.
Selfish time... Even through all of this, I am not well and I have a lot of work to do on myself. I am devastated that she is dating again, even though I was the one who said that I did not want to reconcile. I am not devastated because I think she is doing anything wrong. I will not tell her how I feel about her moving on to another person because I know that she has that right and I will have to accept that she will be with other men. She has some co-dependent tendencies and it just makes sense that she is moving on so quickly. I am devasted because she is and has been my primary emotional attachment for many years. She is not going to be my wife anymore and that hurts. I still feel like a failure as a man and as a husband for not initiating any self-help during the last many years of our marriage. I am embarrassed to talk about it to coworkers and family members. I hate myself because I don't feel like doing anything. I have no motivation to make friends nor do I have any motivation for hobbies. Though, I do not feel like the shell of a person that I felt like the last 10 years, I feel like I am a shell, but with emotions. I cry all the time. I hit myself. On the bright side, I am not suicidal and the morbid thoughts have dwindled significantly, which I attribute to the adjustment of medications and counseling. Objectively, I know have seen improvements in myself, but there are many days where I feel like I have made no progress and I want to withdraw from everything and wait out my life by sitting in the corner of a dark closet. I know those are not good things. I continue to see a counselor every week, a psychiatrist every 6 weeks, and I may begin EMDR. I will get better because I want these feelings to just stop. I want to be able to react to and process negative emotions properly and quickly and replace them with more uplifting and positive emotions.
I guess the reason for me posting this is to be honest with myself about how I am feeling. I must be able to deal with how I am feeling and not construct walls to protect me from my emotions. Maybe others who are reading get something out of it.
A few other observations... (1.) I guess I never realized how entrenched infidelity is in our pop culture (note that I referring primarily to the American pop culture that I experience). Movies, music, TV, comedy, and much more often bring up infidelity. I don't necessarily mean in a pro-infidelity way, the topic is just there. (2.) I am very grateful that my counselor continued to counsel me regularly during COVID (safely of course). I recognize that I am privileged to be in a financial situation that allows for weekly meetings. (3.) I have experienced actual triggering over the last few months. I think I am falling into the "get off my lawn" mentality when people joke about being triggered, in jest. For me, when I am triggered, I experience the negative emotions sometimes for days due to my lack of coping skills. Being triggered is bad news for me. (4.) I have recently found a distraction in the form of re-visiting certain Math problems. I have degrees in Physics and I am still somewhat up on the Calc and Diff Eq, especially related to my research, but I tell you what, I have began doing high school geometry problems and that stuff is on a whole nother level. It is like brain exercise and it has gotten me through a few nights where I have struggled with my negative emotions.
Australian exporters to China face $6 billion 'D-Day'
Australian exporters to China are facing a $6 billion cliff after unconfirmed instructions from Chinese customs authorities threatened to ban Australian wine, copper, barley, coal, sugar, timber and lobster from Friday.
Some Australian wine exporters have been notified by Chinese importers that Australian wine will not be cleared through Chinese customs from this Friday onwards.
Tony Battaglene, chief executive of wine industry group Australian Grape and Wine, said the message was going right across the industry to exporters of all sizes.
Australian trade officials were on Tuesday afternoon examining the authenticity of the instructions relayed in the customs notice, as concerns grow it may be self-fulfilling and encourage importers to diversify away from Australian products.
Beijing-based Australian wine importer Chen Wei, from Wenzhou Shishun International Trade, said he had been waiting for the final ruling of an anti-dumping investigation into Australian wine that the Chinese government commenced in August.
Chinese wine importers have told Australian exporters to not dispatch any more wine exports, but there are no details of how long affected goods would be unable to clear Chinese customs.
Post found in /worldnews and /AusFinance.
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