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I lost two friends. They say I need to grow up. I need some advice
Before you read my very long story, let me give you the short version:
I felt that my two friends were treating me unfairly, I tried changing it to make it better but it only got worse, I am trying to seek my faults and mistakes and I want to learn from them.
So here’s the story.
I, 19 F, (autistic, if that matters) am looking for advice on losing two friends.
My first best friend, who I will call Holly, we’ve been friends since the 7th grade and all throughout high school. She suffers from depression. Since the beginning of our friendship, Throughout grade school, drama seems to follow Holly everywhere. Everyone she talked to, it was always a “woe is me” conversation, talking about herself and her problems. Me and her friends understood at first because she couldn’t help herself (due to her depression). But then she always talked about them behind their backs (including me) and exposed our secrets. That’s when friends started to pick up her drama from rumors. Holly was also a chronic complainer and would always complain constantly about almost everything. Not one positive thing to say about her life. I was always her shoulder to cry on but every single advice I gave went out the other ear. No matter what advice I suggested, Holly always had an excuse to continue complaining. It was like, she wanted to ‘be miserable’ and never stop complaining. As much as I was tired of her complaining and nonsense, I felt sorry for her. We all did.
Holly was always bullied throughout most of her school career. The way I saw it, I think it had to do with the fact that Holly didn’t know how to keep her rude comments and opinions about other people to herself. I advised her to be quiet, keep her opinions to herself if she wanted the others to stop bothering her but unsurprisingly, she never listened and wondered why people were so mean to her.
Holly caused major drama with our school friends, turned a few of them against each other (me and a friend one time), and a lot of them stopped talking and listening to her complaints because they got very tired and fed up with her. Some of these friends that were once understanding began to bully her when they found out she was talking badly about them.
Poor Holly had this need to always be negative and have nothing nice to say. We could all easily tell that she was sick and had low self esteem issues. We were her only friends and felt bad for her. That’s why we kept giving her many chances, thinking she’ll be nicer if we continue to support her and be there for her.
Holly didn’t seem to change for the better. Her friends couldn’t stand her anymore and blocked her out of their lives. Luckily, they were smart enough. I wasn’t...
I have seen Holly stab those friends in the back many times but I never thought she’d do the same thing to me. Being that I stuck around the longest, I thought I was her best friend and that I earned a place for her to not hurt me anymore.
I always tried redirecting Holly away from the negative drama, along with the the constant complaining about her life and talk about something else, something positive but she always went back to the same old negative topics. She couldn’t help herself.
Holly’s social media even says that she spreads “positive messages”, posting deep meaning and religious quotes but talking to her was a WHOLE different story. I think that’s how sick she was, not even realizing how negative she is.
I just thought that she was a troubled girl (who made mistakes) who could use a friend, someone who meant well, would listen to her complaints, be there for her and try to give good guidance.
Unfortunately, (I hate admitting it) Holly’s grown to be a burden on me and we ended our friendship recently this year because of our friend Jen. Her story is even longer so get ready.
My second best friend, who I will call Jen, was the opposite of Holly: a brightly, bubbly soul and a fun loving girl full of positive energy. We’ve been friends since she was a sophomore and I was a junior in high school. Jen made me feel heavenly and supported my ideas (I was and still am trying to be a serious writer). I noticed her way of happiness was abnormal, like, no one can be THIS HAPPY AND BRIGHT but I loved her for that. I thought she was different from other people.
Jen was popular for her bubbly personality and I was over the moon when she said she wanted ME, a quiet nerd who’s always been part of the wallpaper, to be HER best friend! I couldn’t believe it. It was almost too good to be true but I didn’t question it. :)
We were like twinsies! Had a lot in common, mostly because she introduced me to a lot her favorite movies and shows. She turned me into a fan of all these TV shows I didn’t know about it. We had the same taste in all kinds of media. She always encouraged me in my writing and made me feel good. She picked me up when I was down and always told me that everything would be okay.
Over the years, however, without us noticing, Jen and I started arguing and fought over little things. Jen would have a change of mood swings, started to throw tantrums like a little kid, blamed me for pretty much everything (things that didn’t involve me sometimes) guilt tripped me whenever I spent quality time with my parents, guilt tripped me for trying to learn how to drive and become more independent (I deal with anxiety on the road so it isn’t easy) and always put me down for my accomplishments, like my passion for writing and hard work to get into college.
This was QUITE a change from her behavior in the beginning (this change of behavior happened slowly within a year). I couldn’t understand it. Where was all this passive aggressiveness coming from? What happened to the “old” Jen?
Then somewhere down the road, Jen knew that her behavior towards me was changing so told me that she suffers from bipolar disorder. I knew what it was intellectually but not going through it.
Slowly, I picked up on a pattern of how our arguments started.
The way I see it, if I didn’t agree with her on certain things, Jen would get upset. If I told her my honest opinions, Jen would get upset. If I sugarcoated things and lied, Jen would get upset.
Despite the turbulent relationship, I didn’t want to give up on my best friend.
Jen confided in me that she lost a lot of friends in the past. Initially, I couldn’t understand why. I felt bad and didn’t want to be those other “jerks” who left her. I loved her and wanted to be there for her.
In 2018, I graduated from our high school and I had to go out of state from our hometown to attend college. Jen had one more year of high school left. She told me that she was proud of me and that I should follow my dreams and that she’s rooting for me. I was so happy and relieved that she was understanding about how busy I was going to be… or so I thought.
A little bit about me. I am currently trying to be a writer for books. Jen knows how passionate I am about this career. I told her I waited my whole life to get my writing career started. I am a dreamer and goal oriented. I will work hard to make my dreams a reality.
All of a sudden out of nowhere, Jen started getting mad at me for “abandoning her” and “making new friends” at college, saying that I never have time for her, that I forgot about her. I reminded her more than once that I was going to be very busy while I was away. As for “making friends” I’m supposed to mingle with my classmates because we’re most likely going to work together so I need to have a mutual connection with them (In this particular writing field, it’s a small community and alumni from my college usually end up working together in jobs). But It’s not like me and my classmates are going to be “besties'' or anything like that. They’re just potential future colleagues, nothing more. I kept telling Jen this but she wouldn’t believe me. She was coming off as paranoid that “I was going to forget all about her.” I couldn’t understand where all of Jen’s paranoia was coming from. I thought she was “proud” of me and my hard work like she said she was but then she was making me feel bad about my goals, my hard work and being around my classmates (who I’m pretty close with now).
After all the temper tantrums, the blames, the guilt trips, the passive aggressive arguments, I just couldn’t take it anymore. I barely saw her my whole first year of college but our arguments were already too much for me to deal with over text messages. I missed “old” Jen. :(
I came home from college in the summer of 2019. I told Jen that maybe we shouldn’t hang out this summer after all the drama we went through while I was away and that we should give each other space. The truth was I didn’t want to be her friend anymore but Jen can’t handle honesty well so I “sugar coated” it with the “we need space” excuse. I told her that things between us were getting a little toxic with all of the arguments.
Jen exploded in a pool of emotions and texted me saying that she felt suicidal.
Once I saw the text, I panicked and almost called the police (I don’t know for sure if she’s suicidal but if she is, I could get in trouble for not doing anything to help her). I called her father first to make sure she was alright first. He told me to calm down, I was crying hysterically and shaking, told me that Jen was fine. After that episode, I told Jen that I needed space. Jen wouldn’t respect my space, violated my “no’s”, called me over and over and kept pushing for us to be friends. I had no choice but to block her a few weeks later. She just wouldn’t stop. I had to call her father to tell her to stop calling.
I told my parents everything after our big dramatic episode. I couldn’t handle the situation alone. They told me that Jen could get me into deeper trouble if we continued speaking.
My parents weren’t comfortable with my friend the start. I tell them what goes on in my life because we’re very close but they didn’t like some of the things she did to me. I always defended her so my parents could still let me hang out with her.
At this point, I didn’t know who she was anymore. The “old” fun loving, bright and bubbly Jen that I waited for was dead.
In retrospect, there were plenty of red flags when it came in the beginning but I ignored everything, thinking her temper tantrums and overactive behavior was just “that one time.” I suppressed my honesty and comfort just to please her because I was afraid of her getting mad at me.
Jen was running out of patience with my need for space (it’s been 2 months). She decided to end the hiatus and friendship. I agreed.
I ghosted Jen from my life after 4 years of friendship. I never did this to anyone else before so I feel really guilty about it. She’s been begging us to be friends again, even after she decided to end it, and as much as I want to take her back, my parents have been helping me keep my distance from her. I know she was a burden and always gave me trouble but I also miss her and the good times we had.
I always have to remind myself that the bad times outweigh the good times.
Here’s where I made my mistake.
It is now 2020. I reached out to Jen recently in February and I regret it. After reconciling for one day, I told her I wasn’t ready yet. She didn’t change and neither did I. We ended it mutually… or so I thought.
Jen told our friend, Holly, everything I did to her, reaching out and then ghosting her again. I know what I did was very wrong. I wish I didn’t contact Jen.
Holly went after me via Facebook and started “harassing” me with this issue, interrogating me, demanding me to apologize and be her friend. Holly’s always known about me and Jen’s differences but she literally can’t understand my reasons as to why I ghosted her.
When Holly asked why I won’t talk to Jen, I told her that my parents didn’t want me being friends with her, which is technically true. But I lied about the fact that I myself didn’t want to be friends with Jen. I never told her straight out. I lied to Jen because I thought I was protecting her from harming herself since she can’t handle my honesty. I was scared and I didn’t want us to get into trouble again.
Holly just kept saying “how would you feel if someone blocked you and ghosted you entirely?” I would say course I’d feel very bad. I’d feel the way Jen is feeling but I felt that she left me no choice. She wouldn’t leave alone when I politely asked the first few times give me some space. Holly didn’t think my excuse was justified.
After 8 years of friendship, Holly deleted me from all social media because of the whole Jen drama. I blocked them both so I don’t find myself looking them up, missing them. Holly even said she’s cutting me off because she wants me to “learn things” on my own. Both girls told me that I need to grow up.
And so, here I am. Searching for solutions.
I know what I did was wrong. I have to stop lying to make others feel better. I shouldn’t have reached to Jen and get her hopes up like that. I thought I was ready but I think I was hurting us both by doing that. I think that’s what they meant when they said that I have to “grow up.”
But I really just want to understand everything here.
Was everything from the start all my fault? Can I get my friends back? How do I get my act together and be more mature? Can anyone else out there relate to my situation?
I want to change and be a better friend.
I have no one to talk to about this and I am very sad without my two friends. My life is very quiet without them and I feel so alone.
I could really use some advice.
To whomever is reading this, thank you very much for taking the time.
Good day and be safe.
EDIT: Thank you for your comments and advice, guys. Thank you so much for reading. I really appreciate it.
I felt like “the heavy” for so long in these friendships. I didn’t know what to make out of the situation anymore.
Sometimes I do miss Jen and Holly blowing up my phone with messages like they used to do often but at this point, I prefer the silence over them.
I’m glad this is all over and I’m looking forward to attending my last year of college (without the old high school drama on the side). It feels like a clean slate. :)
Thanks again and be safe!
A List of Open Source Applications
- ICE RAVEN, this is a fork of the firefox browser with extra ad-ons
this too is a Firefox forkFenix is the all-new Firefox for Android browser, based on GeckoView and Mozilla Android Components. (Thanks to u/anonymous-bot for pointing this out)
- FOSS BROWSER, A simple web browser with all those basic features, the only con is that this browser gets its updates at a slow pace
- SMART COOKIE WEB
- UN GOOGLED CHROMIUM
- F-DROID, and its clients. Like FOXY DROID
- AURORA STORE and AURORA DROID, this link will take you to auroraoss download section from where you can download both Aurora store(Playstore client without google tracking) and aurora droid(F-droid client). Auroraoss site has been fixed :)
- NCALC+, this calculator has everything, from a scientific calculator to converters. Also a simple dark and light mode
- CALCULATOR ++
- SLIDE FOR REDDIT
- INFINITY FOR REDDIT
- TWIDERE FOR TWITTER
- BARINSTA FOR INSTAGRAM, previously known as Instagrabber. Dev---u/austinhuang
- FROST FOR FACEBOOK
- REDDITORIA FOR REDDIT playstore link
Dont worry, these flashlights dont ask or seek for funny permissions
- HACKER’S KEYBOARD
- BEHE KEYBOARD, this one is good for programmers
- SIMPLE KEYBOARD
- OPEN BOARD
- ANYSOFT KEYBOARD playstore link
- KISS LAUNCHER
- PAPER LAUNCHER
- OPEN LAUNCHER
- ROOTLESS PIXEL LAUNCHER
- POSIDON LAUNCHER
- BLISS LAUNCHER
- EMERALD LAUNCHER
- ESSENTIAL LAUNCHER
PULSE SMS- Can’t tell how long this will last. It has been taken over by Maple Media. F-droid repo for public view is now not available
- QK SMS
- SIMPLE SMS
- FORCASTIE, This is a weather app
- NEXT CLOUD, its an android client to access the next cloud server
- RUN IN BACKGROUND PERMISSION SETTER, to stop background apps from running. REQUIRES ROOT
- SUPERFREEZZ, to freeze apps from running in background. NO NEED ROOT
- APP MANAGER, this app is like ‘SKIT’ for managing apps.
- SHELTER, This helps in isolating big brother apps, using multiple accounts.
- DOWNLOAD NAVI, this is a download manager
- MPV , a video player
- VLC, its a media player
- ARIA2 APP playstore link, this too is an open source download manager
- LIBRETORRENT playstore link, for torrenting
- PROTON VPN playstore link
- BINARY EYE, its an open source barcode scanner
- QR and BARCODE SCANNER
- SNIPPET playstore link, its like an auto-text app
- APP LOCK
- STINGLE PHOTOS, playstore link, a gallery which can store your images and videos on cloud. Yep, somewhat like google photos
- MUZEI, A live wallpaper app for android
- WARDEN, this is for scanning app trackers.
Go back to the section ‘APP STORES’, tap on the aurora store and aurora droid link, warden will be there in the download section of aurora oss
EDIT: (SUGGESTED APPS TAKEN FROM THE COMMENTS) 🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟
- TUTANOTA--- u/Kosty4
- CRIPTEXT playstore link---u/prvnpete
- CTEMPLAR playstore link---u/prvnpete
- SIMPLE LOGIN, This is an anti-spam Email Hero. ---u/MAXIMUS-1
- RED READER for reddit---u/Kangburra
- DAWN FOR REDDIT---u/felixalguzman
- TWIRE, open source twitch client---u/winterberryco
- SHITTER, twitter client---u/sawgrim
- FEDILAB, Fedilab is a multi-accounts client for Mastodon, Pleroma, Peertube, GNU Social, Friendica and Pixelfed---u/sawgrim
- TUBELAB, a peertube client---u/sawgrim
- THORIUM, a peertube client---u/sawgrim
- WARDEN, thanks to u/rak-rak for providing the gitlab link for Warden.
- GEOMETRIC WEATHER, playstore link ---u/xenyz
- KDE CONNECT, to connect and share files, clipboard, etc between pc and android---u/thebottle
- WALLABAG, save web pages and read them later offline---u/thebottle
- TRANSDROID, a torrent client---u/thebottle
- TERMUX, android terminal---u/thebottle
- VOICE, a minimal audio book player ---u/celiomsj
- QR SCANNER---u/Boob_Preski
- DEC SYNC, It lets you create local CalDAV and CardDav accounts (for Calendar and Contacts) and sync them to a local directory.---u/rat_tat_2_e
- RADICALE, storage plug-in for DecSync---u/rat_tat_2_e
- EVOLUTION plugin for DecSync---u/rat_tat_2_e
- SPARSS, to sync RSS without a server using DecSync---u/rat_tat_2_e
- FEED READER, Modern desktop application designed to complement existing web-based RSS accounts---u/rat_tat_2_e
- AOSP DIALER site: cs android---u/LuckyLeague
- AOSP CONTACTS site: cs android---u/LuckyLeague
- JITSI MEET, a zoom alternative---u/krypt8x
- SYNCTHING, p2p encrypted cross-device file sync service ---u/krypt8x
- CRYPTEE, encrypted storage for photos, files etc---u/krypt8x
- WIREGUARD, an open source vpn ---u/thebottle
- VECTORIFY DA HOME, a very minimal wallpaper app to customize your homescreen. Doesnt need an internet connection because wallpapers are not downloaded instead we can create our own with a mixture of colors and simple icons. And If Im not wrong u/enricodortenzio is the developer of this cool stuff. Give it a go
- RYWALL, open source wallpaper app---u/t-ryder203x
- NCALC LIBRE, open source calculator with various functions---u/644c656f6e
- YET ANOTHER CALL BLOCKER---u/sawgrim
- DROWSER, app killer, Requires ROOT---u/sawgrim
- LOOP HABIT TRACKER---u/winterberryco
- RxDROID, reminds you of your medication schedules---u/winterberryco
- PERIODICAL, period calendar for ladies---u/winterberryco
- DRIP, period tracker with password protection---u/winterberryco
- LOG28, a simple no-frills period tracker---u/winterberryco
- OandBackupX, a backup manager for android---u/sawgrim
- PRIMITIVE FTPD, open source ftp server---u/ThrowAway237s
- VIGILANTE, Android security (camera/microphone indicator dots). DEV: u/CraZy_LegenD ---u/sawgrim
- TESSERCUBE, Communicate via OpenPGP in any app--- u/NormieMcNormerson
- TEXTFAIRY, an OCR app---u/sawgrim
- IMAGES-TO-PDF, this app can convert images to a pdf file---u/sawgrim
- TACHIYOMI, an open source manga and comics reader
- TACHIYOMI J2K, a fork of tachiyomi with extra features and enhancements---u/sawgrim
- FEED WATCHER, a feed scanner app for android---u/sawgrim
- FITO TRACK, a fitness tracker for android---u/sawgrim
- GADGET BRIDGE, A free and cloudless replacement for your gadget vendors' closed source Android applications---u/sawgrim
- IMAGEPIPE, Reduces image size and removes exif-tags when sharing images on android devices---u/sawgrim
- EASYOPENLINK, Android app which makes it easy to open links from text documents via the share function---u/sawgrim
- TAPTAP, Port of the double tap on back of device feature from Android 11 to any Android 7.0+ device---u/sawgrim
- KEEPASS2 ANDROID---u/_Samii_
- MASTER PASSWORD --- u/masterblaster0
- FIREFOX (playstore link)---u/_Samii_
- KIWI BROWSER ---u/thebottle
- PRIVACY BROWSER, (slow updates, last updated in the month of august)---u/Sirbesto
- TOR BROWSER playstore link--- u/yaboyjb311
- SHADE LAUNCHER playstore link---u/AimHrimKleem
- SLIM LAUNCHER ---u/cameos
- BALD PHONE, this launcher is for elderly people ---u/cameos
- AOSP LAUNCHER 3 site: cs android---u/LuckyLeague
- LIBRECHAIR, launchair fork with non-foss part removed (alpha)---u/krypt8x
- TINY BIT LAUNCHER a kiss launcher fork---u/Sirbesto
- TELEGRAM FOSS, an unoffical FOSS version of telegram with those proprietary garbage removed---u/samyak039
- AOSP MESSAGING site: cs android---u/LuckyLeague
- FORKGRAM, a telegram client with some extra features and google stuffs removed
- IRREGULAR EXPRESSIONS ---u/mfllc
- FLORIS KEYBOARD, Its in its alpha stage and has a lot of customizations--- u/sawgrim
- METRO, this is the fork of Retro music player with the pro versions unlocked ---u/MuntasimF
- TIMBER ---u/Confident_Love
- TIMBER X---u/Confident_Love
- AOSP MUSIC +, playstore link
- AOSP GALLERY site: cs android---u/LuckyLeague
- PHIMP ME, a gallery with some advanced photo editing features, careful...this app can be unstable at times--- u/Petomeansfart
DOCUMENTS AND STUFFS📄📝:
- ONLY OFFICE, a free and open source office and productiviy suite- u/uaos
- PDF VIEWER, a secure pdf viewer that does not require any permissions---u/sawgrim
- KOREADER, an ebook reader supporting pdf, epub, fb2 and many other formats--- u/emacsomancer
- POSITIONAL, a gps and a time information app with some fluid animations and a minimal UI--- u/Hamza417 (DEV)
- OPEN MULTIMAPS, a simple client to view maps from OpenStreetMaps---u/sawgrim
There is this blog that might be useful for some app developers who are interested in improving thier apps’ security. This software works somewhat like AppSec SKEN AI BLOG--- u/ervisaddison