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My history(my wife an emotional abuser)on the last part I write some tips for recognize and can have a healthy mind when u cohabitate with and abuser

Today I was thinking why I take the bike and in a way of have silence and enjoy the ride I repeat the history on my mind and talk to my self and ask why she don’t realize what she do?
I take the conclusion that it’s becouse she try to change the narrative and it’s a way of stay healthy on my mind and not fall in the trap of that it’s my fault, even now one year later of one of the first abuses she told me that was all my fault (even if she recognized before that no) I need to stay healthy I’m trying to move from the relation and when she is gonna he far I would can start to see new perspectives
Here it’s my history
I had a relation ship on my country on Spain with this woman (she is 30, me 33) we have a kind of funny relationship but with some dark points, me I was going out of a relation and also she and we was kind of trying to have fun together but we decide to live together (she come to my apartment), she was having a kind of personality disorder (it’s my opinion she never was on a psychologist or psychiatrist ) but she was can be able to be super nice/nice/respectful to a insulting/belittling... and even more with alcohol. When was happening this things I was asking to her that why happened and she was saying that she knows that it’s not nice and she apologize and say that she it’s going to work on this or see a professional. So I was not giving so much importance and was not so often, until the moment that she decided to come to live to nyc. At this moment Me I wish the best to her and I say that for me it’s not possible I’m a musician and I perform on the street (low income person) and I can pay my part of the tiny house that I lived and like this I was happy and also I was starting to study for have a degree on music and even can apply a professional job with my title, so I decide to not go there. In the beginning All was nice but the last month on my country was really hard, she start to come drunk to home and be really disrespectful multiple times , so becouse a friend of her was having a free room I suggest that for don’t have a bad ending and avoid future discussions, if it was possible that she was in her friends room would be better she understood and agree. For that you get the image She had an actitude like, I’m not going to be here so I don’t need to care like before, let’s broke some manners. For me was starting to be scary. But she agree without problem and even this last month we was meeting for eat together sometimes, even before she leave she let me her cat and told me that she would come back to pick it on November when she settle up on nyc. And like this the transition/move would be easier. I agree with her. She go travel to Puerto Rico and we was still speaking by phone and having a nice relation. In a moment she change the idea and told me that she can pay me the ticket and bring the cat. And like this I would visit nyc,(that never thought I would afford to go there) and like this see all the jazz clubs and spend a week with her.
I arrive and was great, I was so happy with her and the city, the second day she propose to marry and to stay there! I was like what??? In the beginning I say that I can’t , I had a house with all my stuff, really cozy, small and cheap on the center of the city and I was starting to study, since 21 I hadn’t study on a school.
She promise to pay me a music school on nyc and also if the relation didn’t work she would help me for a year to settle up where I would want to live.i was still with doubts but I accept. And I start to live on nyc in the apartment with her bestfriend. My wife payed a lawyer for do all the visa papers and we start the process for the green card. She was working a lot(she is a teacher) but we was happy and I start to busk on the subway and start to make some money arround 200 a week not a lot but at least something, we realized that i was needing to wait for the music school becouse we was starting to do the first payments of the lawyer. Until there all the history it’s ok.
But something strange was on the house, her friend was ignoring me so much and making me feel like a ghost but when we was the three she plays the super family, was confusing and strange and was start to make feel uncomfortable on the house to be only by myself with her, was like speak to a wall, sometimes not even say hello , but when my wife was at home she plays that we are a super nice family and all was great.
it was really confusing to me and I ask to my wife to speak with her becouse was feeling more and more weird and when I told to my wife she get super super angry like... it’s imposible that her best friend do something wrong! And she start to get aggressive to me, and act like annoyed to me when we cohabitate.
And later even more annoyed to me becouse her friend says that It was a lie and she didn’t ignore me or ghost me. So the situation get super tense on the house. And me already I left the school and I said to the landlord on my country that I was wanting to finish the contract, my family told me don’t worry it’s normal to have discussions all would get better and to be on America it’s a incredible opportunity that we never would be able to give to you, So don’t worry. I was really confuse and the situation was really bad, I was starting to be blame for everything I think becouse my wife was so disappointed that I accused her bestfriend. Me was trying to play music on the street study self taught music and also do the cleaning service to to the house of the two persons that I live.
Something happened and her best friend get bedbugs on her bed(she was not really clean, and also had a dog that poo on the house and probably on her room, I say this becouse later my wife would accuse me that I’m dirty) so she had bedbugs and decide to leave the house, and let My wife with all the expenses of the rent, I don’t know how, but my wife agree,(I suspect that her bestfriend it’s kind of a manipulative person)
so we was the two paying for a not cheap apartment on Brooklyn. Was kind of a relief for me to don’t need to cohabitate with this person, but for my wife was much more stress for the money. So the situation at home was better but not really.and was so weird that the best friend disappears in a decision of less that 24h and letting to my wife (that the bestfriend was knowing that we struggled with money) with all the bills of the house. And slowly this would be one of the bigger stresses from us.
Time move and we was in a party on a house of a friend of my wife and also her bestfriend, and her bestfriend she was one by one saying hello to everyone and she don’t even look to me like I was not there... my wife saw this but don’t say nothing until late... like hey what happens with my partner you are ghosting him? (She didn’t say like this, but for the first time she brings the topic when I was there )
finally she recognized with a lot of drops from crying that was true and she apologize to me, but for me was more an explanation of why she did that... and not how I feel, or how to heal the tension/problem that she create between my wife and me... she say me sorry one time and say to me “it’s nothing against you it’s myself I’m like that, it was all unconscious”(she even recognized that she did the same with other boyfriend of a friend of her)
for me was a little relieved but I was feeling that she was needing to repare a little becouse was felt shitty all this first months and also was a lot of tension between my wife and me for her actitude and becouse she didn’t recognize and said that I was lied.
I was thinking that becouse she recognize that was true the “ghosting episode “my wife would make disappear all this resentment, but it didn’t, and the very next morning I was saying to my wife like wow was really nice about yesterday apology but I would want to have a talk becouse I felt that was only about her feelings explaining why she did that wasn’t nothing about how I felt and what create her actions, I was thinking that my wife would say that of course it’s true don’t worry , but she shout to me and tell me that if can’t move on! And from this moment this topic become a tabu on the house. Before becouse I was a lier and now becouse I didn’t move on! Was horrible! Like my wife can not hear me anymore. I wait for a while that her bestfriend write me asking me for how I feel or she invite me do dinner or some plans with my wife or but nothing.
But She only call my wife and never was including me and my wife was I’m going to go to she my bestfriend today she is going to invite me to this amazing place,ciao, and me like ok... but I was thinking, fuck she told me that she don’t have nothing against me, that all was unconscious, that she really love me and now that she is conscious what she did she act like I don’t exist... was weird. And I was not able to can speak with anybody for a second opinion... 2 months later another random day my wife tell me that her best friend was going to invite her to dinner, and I say like joking (was the only way to speak about it and not even becouse was a forbidden subject) I say like uo would be great that she include me and invite me too, and my wife almost angry like what? And I said like; yes I mean since her apology she never reach to me to see how I feel... (me I felt that like... what I’m going to write her like I need that u resolve this? I really think that apologies must to be truly and not force and also the remember from her saying that I invented everything and also the experience of try to speak with her and don’t felt listen and also my wife not been nothing supportive even when she admite that she lies was making all a little hard) so when I said that she never reach me my wife got super super angry and leave. Next day her bestfriend write me a message to the Instagram like... super forced, that I don’t even remember becouse she erase later I don’t don’t even think that she say sorry or something and what I remembered was that I text her back and say something like, fuck I need to have another discussion with my wife for you send me a force message...my point of view that was nothing nice that now I have so much shit with my wife becouse her lies, and she didn’t to repair something and also I say that from my point to abandoned everything(house and study’s) and a person ghost you and put shit as a lier was nothing nice, and that I would love that she learn what is hospitality (was a bigger message, much more bigger i felt that finally was my only opportunity for say what I felt and was a release, also I say that for me a apology need to come from the heart of someone no because other person beg/suggest to you to do it. (Was a intense message but was the first time, in the begging I ask to my wife about the ghosting becouse I was the guest on the house and from my education it’s not nice to say something like this when u are invited but also was really crossing the limits or being something like a single moment, and later I don’t reach herself becouse I feel wouldn’t be useful so was my moment)
this message now was men splanning... how I write this big text to her!! (My wife told me) how I dare to send all this things.
in my culture (Spain) we are free to give advices.(I speak that would be great that she learn hospitality and how to receive someone that come from other country)
I understand later that here it’s something against the will of a person, and next day I write her and apologize becouse my wife tell me that now she felt bad for my message
this thing never was resolved she never reach to me, and me I decide to start to do my life without expecting that she heal nothing that she did. I understand my wife position was hard but if my bestfriend ghost my wife that come from other country, lie to me saying that it’s not true and start to put shit between us, and then when I catch him I see that he don’t do nothing for resolve or cure the thing I would say bye bye to him.
Months later corona time the thing start to get to despise to me We was more time at home(she work from home and me I can’t go to the street to play music),
still this tension that never heal and my wife start to drink more, and be more rude to me, and you know who brings beer to the door of our house? (i don’t drink alcohol btw) her best friend of course 🙂, was there for help her , to encourage to drink. Even if she can have the intuition that don’t affect nice to her and alcohol make my wife to be more rude and insensitive
The situation start to get really intense, and her bestfriend propose to kick me from the house on the 2 week of the pandemy. Why? Supposed im a controller partner... and only I said to her that for me was not feeling that go to a house beer party when it’s confinement all around the world was sounding so safe. I was not able even to express me. For me was asking me like what? I’m forbidden something to you? I’m violent or something like this to you? I’m imposing my opinion ?
She was attacking me for everything, even a day threatening me of call the cops and they would kick me if she wants, laughing at me, even she say , that becouse she pay the house she have the right to treat me like garbage I even recorded. She mock at me when I cry from all her behaviors. Other time she say that I was disgusting becouse I eat to slow for her, and she make me stop to eat and make me wait in another room until she finish... was really hypocrite moments, she told me that my personal smell it’s to strong and it’s the reason that she don’t want to live with me. (But she can be a week without shower and having a vagina smell all arround the house but anybody can say something about it) She was speaking with hehis friends mocking at me during all the day with the phone on speaker, was really to much abuse.
I call a friend and my friend told me that have a friend with a house that I can be there, and one morning I pack some clothes and runaway. When I was there I was not able to come back to my country and also she said that she never said that she would help me to settle up. Was really frustrating moments. To see a person that you loved using his advantage to live in her country to treat and threat me... I was not able to can continue on the house of the person (I lived for a month) and I was going to go to a shelter , but the lawyer that do the papers of my visa I don’t know how she make rethink to her and she accept that I go to the house if we lived on separate rooms. I come back, but honestly was hard, and I become I kind of servant, but as I say on the beginning she sometimes changes the actitude from super rude to nice and we start to try the relationship. We started to do therapy was slow but we was starting to improve, to speak about boundaries spaces and wants,
but I had one night a incredible pain, I had stones on the kidney, so we go to the hospital and I need a operation (lucky that we had health insurance) I had the operation and she start to get rude and say that she don’t want to come to the hospital... was hard... even one night when I come back I was almost falling to the floor and I was needing to go to the hospital and she say to me go alone me I need to rest, and me like how? If almost I fall to the floor.im more than dizzy... Sometimes she become insensitive and her way to express its super rude that make that nothing have sense.
At the moment I still waiting for an operation becouse they clean some stones but i need to get another stone out that didn’t see on the beginning
probably when finish we will sign the divorce and I would leave, I’m trying to avoid her 24 h and do what she ask to me (like today I want that u clean the fridge, so I do at 8 am like this she can’t blame for nothing) I’m like a servant.
The last thing and the reason why I’m writing this it’s that the other day she told me that was my fault that her friend leave the house and let paying the house to us, becouse I was creating a toxic environment and was all my fault.
For me was painful but not unexpected. She already , like 7 months ago she write me a letter saying sorry that was not my fault and sorry for not listen or believe to me and trust me when i said it.
But now she is changing the discourse. I can believe that becouse now we don’t spend time together and her bestfriend it’s more with her and also it’s the reason that I think that her bestfriend manipulate her
For me was feeling strange that suddenly she brings this shit now, (a few months ago I promise on therapy to her to erase this episode even if it’s not resolve and her bestfriend it’s not going to take any responsibility)
I feel that in her heads they are changing the history like this when I leave they don’t have any fault...
I don’t know. I’ve been doing a exercise at least 6 months ago where I’m writing in the notes of the phone when my wife was insulting me, treating me bad or been disrespectful becouse days later she try to change the version of what happens for make me believe that it’s my fault, so I try to write when happen something exactly what happens and trying to be super precise for later can revisit the text without doubts. And for this I say that was not really unexpected I’m already having a mind more healthy and I don’t get to her attacks
On other moments (lucky that she don’t get super mad) I ask to her ; how I create a toxic environment if I try to be his friend and she was ghosting me?
But honestly I don’t recommend questions, she can get super mad and all get worse my experience it’s that an abuser don’t know about equality or to be fair. The abuser can recognize that it’s been bad and don’t care about it or justify why it’s like that or think that it’s fair to act like that. Even my wife told me that was my fault that it’s me the one that brings this personality/side from her. And abuser can try to make you guilty even if don’t have any sense.
A day (not so long ago)that She recognize that she said that she would help me to settle up of the relation don’t work. She say . Yes it’s true if you go right now (a day of the week at 8pm ) I would help you , and I say I can’t I need to finish the operation that the doctor did in a week, and she say to me, so now I’m not going to give you nothing
I think that an abuser sometimes need to justify himself why it’s acting like that. Like an excuse for that they can be not respectful...
I recommend to write if you are been abused. Write on a safe place what happen and try to be super precise and honest and not exaggerate nothing , just what happend. For me was really important becouse in a wick moment I was but fuck maybe it’s my fault or maybe I over react, or this really happened what she say? So I try to be super precise and honest for later can view again and see what happens
Other recommendation it’s that and abuser can be nice and bad, she told me that becouse she help me and she pays my food she can’t be an abuser, that how it’s possible that a person that buy you clothes it’s an abuser, to expend money on me was her way to say I’m nice to him. I bought what he wants it’s him that it’s inconsiderate. I love him I buy to him things how I can be her abuser?
And it’s possible, not means nothing a person can treat you nice buying things but 2 hours later say that u are a piece of shit...
Its not possible to justify despise , even if pay you for whatever... she was a lot of time telling me that she do so much for me she pay the lawyer, my clothes , food. And I ask to her and this justify for treat me bad/insult disparage me?
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