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He adjusted his badge, the artifact that bound him to this place, and adorned his mask of customer service—a crude, smiling visage enchanted with powers of the Gorgon, so as to placate the stampede when it came to him. A woman, eyes alight with the reddened gaze of excessive Red Bull consumption, assaulted him just seconds after breaking through the front lines. He had begun to utter the practiced incantation, but her counter-spell was much faster, and deadlier. Just as he said, "Hi, can I help you fi-" she spat out that damned, nefarious malenchantment: "Do you have any more of this item in the back?". Without warning, against his will, he was instantly dematerialized and supernaturally transported to the inescapable, macrocosmic gaol that is The Backroom.
He awoke in the antechamber, dazed and enshrouded in blackness. Fumbling about, he eventually found an adjoining room lined with shelves housing familiar objects. My Devices, Zebras, PDAs, Walkies. The Target Armory. He equipped these items, knowing they would be necessary in his journey through this Tartarean realm. He left the room and entered the Great Hall, a seemingly boundless chamber in which titanic spires of boxes rose to unseen heights, and the rumbling of the engines from the Wormhole Trucks—massive portals from which innumerable shipments of freight were spat forth and conveyed onto pallets by the Flow Zombies—filled the room with a deafening drone.
Venturing deeper into the Chthonic abysm, he eventually came to the Target Dungeon. Slaves of the ship-to-store—unlucky employees that had called out with dubious excuses—were chained to ensorcelled totems that gradually seeped the life from them; doomed to pack online orders for eternity. He turned away from his despondent comrades, for he could not bear to look at their forlorn faces; made hideous and wizened by the ill-fated purgation.
Passing the dungeon, he stumbled upon a strange phenomenon: some kind of spatial warp, a disturbance in the natural machinations of reality. Before he could scan the thing, a pack of Walmart savages leapt through it and confronted him. The blue-vested cacodemons slashed and bit at him, lacerating his body with their venomous claws and jagged fangs. He unsheathed his box cutter and swung wildly, inflicting severe wounds on several members of the mob, and they retreated back to the alternate dimension from whence they came.
Wounded, fatigued, but alive, he continued on. The bout had tired him, and the poison dispersing throughout his vascular system made him groggy and sick. He fell to the ground, but before death could claim him, a white aura surrounded his body. He felt a warmth, as of the rays of some rejuvenating sun, and he was miraculously reinvigorated. Confused yet relieved, he carried on, silently thanking whatever restorative powers that had revived him. He eventually spotted what appeared to be a gathering of witches in a recessed space on a wall of the corridor, all of whom wore white robes with "CVS Pharmacy" sigils inscribed on the breast. They smiled at him, and he nodded in reciprocation, grateful for their healing spell.
Continuing on, he came to a mountainous edifice of some sort; a stockpile of freight, barring his entrance to subsequent areas. A pallet jack sat against a wall nearby. He retrieved it and began lifting the packed prominence. Herculean strength was required for the endeavor, and by the time he had relocated the mound out of his way, he had become terribly exhausted. He paused to rest, and thought to call for assistance over the walkie, should he come across some insurmountable obstacle or foe.
No one answered his beckon, so he pushed forward.
The next room was a dreary, ash-choked territory, with stacks of cardboard occupying nearly every inch of the environs. A storm of trash fell from somewhere above, falling in piles about the area. The Drek Oubliette, a dangerous place. Somewhere in the misted room lurked the Baleful Lord, the entity charged with disposing of cardboard in the World Baler, and trash in the Ravenous Compactor. The Target Employee crept through the heaps of garbage cautiously, for the Baleful Lord could be hiding within any of the colossal mounds.
Just as he had reached the threshold that led to the next area, a seemingly innocuous heap to his left exploded, knocking him back with a force that destroyed much of the surrounding piles. He quickly rose to his feet and unsheathed his box cutter, ready to battle whatever entity that came to face him. An assemblage of cardboard took form before his eyes, and in mere seconds a brown abomination of sentient packaging stood several stories tall. It bellowed out a guttural, disheartening roar and lunged at him, crashing down with tremendous weight. He was quickly swallowed by it, entombed within its misshapen form.
Just as he thought himself to be doomed, an unseen force instantly dismantled the creature, and he fell suddenly to the waste-littered floor. Battered yet still somehow alive, he recovered and searched for the source of his salvation. A voice—its speaker unseen—spoke with sonic omnipresence in the gray-draped twilight: "Leave my domain, for you are not of the debris, and have not the strength to combat my pets." Before he could reply, a portal opened behind The Target employee and he was sucked through it.
He was spat out of the sorcerous window and into some unrecognizable desolation; a wasteland of crumbled buildings and meteor-impacted parking lots. A sign nearby indicated that the area was once a "Circuit City", a fabled establishment of yore that had supposedly succumbed to an apocalyptic downfall along with two neighboring factions—Blockbuster and RadioShack—the three of which formed the Trinity of Obsolescence. All of this he had learned from reading historical tomes in the Target Archives.
Coming to no other conclusion of action but to trek through the destroyed expanse, he continued on. As he entered the perimeter, he heard a strange buzzing, as of some rogue swarm of hell-flies, or the cackling of satanic servitors. An unnoticed pile of discarded electronics whirred to life and ensnared him with tentacle-like cables and wires, and he cried out in agony as the tendrils were electrified by some dark energy. With wavering strength, he managed to cut himself free and escape the mass of writhing filaments. They hissed and writhed evilly, but hadn’t the length to pursue him.
Unsure of how to proceed, he sat atop a pile of DVD cases and tried to devise a plan to return to Target. While in the midst of thought, a beam of hard light passed by his face, nearly blinding him. The beam collided with the mass of infernal electronics and set them aflame. A horrible shrieking of electro-death broke the dismal silence and reverberated in all directions of the expanse. He turned behind him to find a man dressed in a Best Buy uniform holding a large, intimidating projectile weapon of some kind. The man declared, "Use this to find your way back!" and tossed what appeared to be some sort of GPS device at him. The Target Employee caught it and replied, "thanks for the assist." The Best Buy Employee tapped a button on his utility belt and was teleported to lands unknown.
The Target Employee pressed the only button on the device and was wrenched from the cataclysm-wrecked world. He arrived in a place suffused with shadows and feared that he had been cast to some worse hypogeal realm. But after allowing his eyes to adjust to the tenebrific conditions he realized that he was standing in the parking lot of his Target. The sky was illimitably black, and the fires in the parking lot which had once raged to deter shoppers had died down or been snuffed out by piles of employee corpses. Despite the eerily dark surroundings, The Target Employee was relieved by his removal from the planes of obsolescence, but annoyed that his relocation had been a step back from the progress he had made during his journey within the store.
Without warning, a vehicle of some sort crashed into him from behind. The impact knocked the wind from his lungs and coherence from his mind, but he soon recovered with honed instinct and drew his box cutter. From the Stygian fog came a traffic of carts, guided by who he knew to be the Shopping Cart Chariotman; a mischievous team member that found enjoyment in the running down of innocents by the crimson carts he was tasked with wrangling. However, The Target Employee was not destined to be overrun, for a flock of Macy's Harpies came barreling down from the sky to peck and claw at the rider, distracting him from his would-be prey.
The Target Employee hurried away and re-entered the building through an emergency doorway, for the front entrance was still packed with the legion of mindless customers. His return to the backroom was facilitated without confrontation by his recently acquired teleportation device, and The Target Employee resumed his trek from where he had last been.
He arrived at the section of the backroom that housed the item he needed to obtain, but just as he reached for the product, he was inexplicably spirited-away to an outré, astral sphere, where bizarre, formless things hovered above, and an incomputable number of stars could be seen blazing all around. The surface on which he stood was a blue, paved platform that sat atop some alien moon or massive asteroid. He did not question his ability to survive in this perplexing environment, for he had grown accustomed to such strange occurrences in his quest. Expectedly, a voice reached him from somewhere in the exocosmos, and spoke with a feminine softness that comforted him:
"I am the HR official of your Target, and I must inform you of what you must now do. In order to claim the item you seek and return to your world, you must fight and defeat the God of Retail, or more specifically, the avatar through which he deals with those that intrude upon his keep; for he owns all places, even the backroom of your store. Be vigilant, for he is a punishing adversary, and will use powers beyond your understanding during your duel. I cannot directly intervene, but I can provide you with something to help even the odds. Here, take this, it is charmed by my own magick, and will allow you to harm the foul demiurge."
A small portal opened a few feet above him and an object fell at his feet. The portal then closed, and no further instructions came from the disembodied voice. The Target Employee knelt and retrieved the tool that had been provided for him, and with delight he saw that he had been given a price-sticker gun; the ultimate power of retail.
Just as he equipped the weapon, a blue, electrified cloud instantaneously formed above the arena, and the gigantic, snarling face of a daemonic Sam Walton protruded from the nimbus. "Dare you invade my realm, you insect? You cannot defeat me; you cannot even fathom the immensity of my being. I am demiurge to all that you know, and more than you could ever hope to see. I am the maker of all, and should you perish in my domain, your soul shall be backstocked in my empyrean mortuary forevermore. This is the Everbackroom, and I command you to kneel before your God, and die by my hand."
The Target employee was then bombarded by galactic clusters that issued from the strange formless masses he had observed earlier, propelled at him by Sam's apparent psychokinetic power. He heard the panicked cries of trillions of Walmart employees that occupied stores within the clusters as they collided with the platform and were wholly obliterated. He would have easily been pulverized, were it not for his Target badge, which acted as an impervious shield against the volley of lesser-tier retail workers. Assured of his invincibility against the bombardment, The Target Employee aimed his gun and sighted the item he needed—lodged within the forehead of Sam—and fired his price gun.
The God roared, for the discounts launched at him were far too great for even his tolerance of savings, and the item of necessity fell from its perch. The Target employee dove for the product and caught it just before it could be dashed against the arena floor and destroyed. He fired one last shot at the Omniversal Retailer to stun it and then yanked his Target name-tag from his tattered red polo, severing him from the mystical bindings of the Retail Nexus.
He returned to the store and attempted to locate the customer that had originally requested the item, but alas, she had departed; apparently having changed her mind, or grown impatient at his prolonged absence.